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Tag Archives: depression

Is This a Blog Post to be Happy About?

I guess this is going to be a Tired Tuesday post.  It’s Tuesday.  I’m tired.  But one must keep one’s spirits up.  At least, I am trying to do so.  For the main reason, I feel I should not be a burden on others with my anxiety and depression.

Earlier today I went for a walk to the post office.  I took my Tablet with me, thinking to take some cheerful spring pictures.  Alas, the wind blew coldly and I was disinclined to make any stops.  I was skeptical of my ability to get good pictures in any case.

Oh dear, this is not a cheerful post, despite my best intentions.  Well, we are many of us struggling with our emotions these days.  These days have such a weird, unnatural quality,  and the future is impossible to predict.  Additionally,  I am feeling a great amount of guilt about how little I am accomplishing during this period of enforced inactivity.

However, it does me no good to dwell on these negative thoughts.  What did I just say in the first paragraph about keeping my spirits up?  Yes, I am trying to do so.

One thing I can feel kind of sort of happy about is that I have made a blog post.  Perhaps not one of my best, but one cannot always meet the highest standard, can one?  Or can one?  Could I in fact meet the highest standard every day if I tried?  Discuss amongst yourselves.

 

Trying for a Smile on Throwback Thursdsy

How about a nice Throwback Thursday post?  I hope I do not use pictures I have used too recently, but they will be pictures I have used before.  And there is a good chance I will say the same things about them.  Maybe I can think of something new.  Let’s see.

One of the all time greatest casts I have worked with!

I went back to March 2017 and found this gem.  It is the cast of Leading Ladies, the play I directed for Ilion Little Theatre in the spring of 2016.  Perhaps you read a few of my blog posts about it.  I SO look forward to getting together with my theatre friends again!

There’s trouble at the speakeasy!

This picture was also in March 2017, and is also from a wonderful theatrical experience, Rubbed Out At Ruby’s, an interactive murder mystery I wrote.  We were scheduled to present it again in April as  fundraiser for RCIL, but, alas, it has been postponed.

At least he looks relaxed!

This was the first picture I noticed, of our much missed late pooch, Spunky.  I wasn’t going to use it, because I thought it would make me feel too sad.  Then thinking about theatre experiences past and not knowing when I will have more…

Come, come, this will never do.  I do not mean to make a blog post purely to moan and groan about how depressed I feel!  That won’t help anybody.  Let me see what is in March 2018.

Yikes!

Here’s some theatrics that may bring a smile!  We were making a DVD on the Right to Bare Arms, for the Herkimer County Historical Society to use at a Celebrity Roast for Marc Butler in 2015.  It was great fun.

That is what I strive to do: keep a smile on my face.  There really is a lot to smile about.  The other stuff I can’t really do much about.  At least I can keep making my daily post!

 

I Left Out Play Solitaire

On the brighter side, it has been a long time since I had a really bad headache.  On the dimmer side, well, here I am on Thursday morning, typing in my Wednesday post.  I actually wrote something Wednesday morning.  It kind of took a turn, so I was not going to use it, but now I find it appropriate.  We can either call it Mid-Week Middle-aged Musings or, perhaps more appropriately, Wuss-out Wednesday.

I must write my update on Brainstorming the Bard.  It might serve as inspiration for me to get my act together and perhaps as comfort to other disorganized people, that they are not alone or even the worst.

Alas, it is not only lack of organization that plagues me.  It is the paralysis of will that I fear is a symptom of my depression. In short, I am finding it damn difficult to do ANYTHING.

I get up in the morning, feeling rather ill-used about it, but most of us are used to that.  I get to work and manage to function (my job is not difficult).  I go home and sometimes manage a chore or two (Just Do One Thing is my meager motto).  But all I really want to do is sit, stare into space, maybe read a book, do a puzzle, crochet or knit while watching a true crime show.

At least the last mentioned  will eventually result in an object that may be useful to someone, but these are not activities that will help me reach any of my life goals.

That is when I stopped writing and began to work on a puzzle, till it was time to go to work.  And now I am over 250 words, so I have that going for me.  That is a thing I have been saying lately.  As in tomorrow’s Friday, so I have that going for me.  Ah, I feel a wave of optimism coming over me:  in truth, I have a lot of things going for me.  Full disclosure:  this reflection does not always help.  As I may have mentioned before, sometimes when I think of all the good things in my life, it makes me feel worse, because how can I dare feel depressed, ungrateful wretch that I am.  Today, I feel grateful.  I think it is going to be a good day.  I will try to blog about it tonight, if my headache doesn’t come back.

 

Merry Christmas Anyways

I wonder if anybody has noticed that I have not posted since Sunday.  I have no valid excuse.  I have a few lame ones but I am loathe to share them, largely because my mother reads this blog and I don’t want her to worry.  Ooh, too late now, unless I delete this paragraph.

I can’t do that.  I haven’t posted for three days; I can’t get the type-it-in-backspace-it-out disease now.

However, it seems I can possibly get the hit-Save-but-don’t-Publish-it disease.  I confess to having a few atrophied partial posts floating in my Drafts.  Every so often I pull one out and try to finish it.  No luck so far.

So basically, what I am offering today is Yet Another Post About Being Unable To Make A Decent Blog Post.  Could that possibly be worth a three day wait?  You tell me.

The main reason I have not been able to post is my ongoing struggles with depression.  I dislike mentioning it, because I do not want to be whining, especially as I feel my problems are far less than what others deal with.  Incidentally,  the latter reflection makes me feel even worse.  What an ungrateful wretch am I!

However, perhaps other readers also suffer from depression, and they might like to feel that they are not alone.  They may even get a frisson of superiority if they are dealing with their problems with greater aplomb than I can muster.  Remember: no life is wasted, because one can always stand as a bad example.

In summary:  I have not been posting lately, because I have felt paralyzed by my depression.  However, it is nothing for anybody to worry about, should anybody feel so inclined.  This will probably just morph over into a common or garden post-Christmas letdown. I have survived those before.

On the brighter side (see, I can usually find one of those), once I hit Publish,  I have finally made a blog post.  Phew!  I was getting worried that not posting was going to become a habit.

 

Sweat Gets In Your Eyes

You know, like that blues song, “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes”?  I often think of that when I run so decided to use it as a title for today’s Running Commentary post.

I ran five days in a row then took yesterday off. I was disinclined to run this morning but knew it would be a good idea.  For one reason,  my depression has been kicking my butt lately.  I just feel so sad and down!  Of course, there are many reasons for sadness, in the world and in my life, but sometimes what I feel is is out of proportion.  But one must not give way to despair.  Exercise is a potent antidepressant.  I got myself ready and went.

One way I got myself out the door was to plan a short, easy run.  Not very far, not very fast, I thought.  This would be great.

And it wasn’t bad.  My legs are getting into pretty good shape; they pump right along with few or no complaints.   I stuck to my plan for a 25 minute run, although I actually ran for 26.  Bonus points!  My mood was at its best when I paused to pet a nice dog.

As I walked my cool-down,  a lady came up behind me, walking at a brisk pace, obviously for exercise.  I got out of the way.

“You’re faster than me,” I said.  “I ran, this is my cool-down.”

When she said she didn’t run, I remarked that she was obviously doing something right, because she looked terrific.  She returned the compliment but went on to say she didn’t believe in running.

“It’s bad for your feet, your knees and your back.”

“I know,” I said, “but I love it.”

She said she didn’t understand that at all but told me to keep up the good work.

“You too,” I said, as she handily out-paced me.  I continued my cool-down walk,  blinking against the sweat in my eyes.

The run did improve my mood, as does getting a blog post published this early in the day.  Will I publish again and be one less post behind?  A little uncertainty adds interest to my day.

 

Mid-Week Mood

It’s the type-it-in-backspace-it-out disease.  I grit my teeth (metaphorically speaking; I live in danger of cracked teeth on account of my unfortunate dental grinding at night) and try to keep typing.  Welcome to another Wuss-out Wednesday post.

What I kept backspacing out was any mention of the down mood that has been plaguing me.  I hate to mention it, because what the blankety-blank do I have to complain about?  The stern voice inside me says, “Just quit whining and get on with things.” Alas, I do not respond well to such bracing treatment.

On the other hand, perhaps some of my readers have down moods and might like to feel that they are not alone.  When somebody tells me they are in a down mood, I usually respond with sympathy.  Why do I not treat myself with such gentleness?  Ah, that calls for some half-baked philosophy more suitable to Lame Post Friday.

There’s a director who got into his work.

I thought a random silly picture would pep things up.  It also cheers me up.  Who could be uncheered by William Castle?   What other pictures can I find?  I’ll check my Media Library.

But sometimes I am piddle puttering.

Here’s another bit of silliness,  given to me by my sister Cheryl.

This is not exactly a monster picture

I add this not because it is silly, but because it is a good reason for me to keep making posts, however foolish they may be.  Maybe I’ll close with something silly, though.

Who, me? Silly? SAY IT AIN’T SO!!!

I’m in a better mood now.  As always,  thank you for tuning in.

 

The Joy of Ten Finger Typing

Typing with ten fingers is the BOMB!  Or is the proper expression “da BOMB”?  Well, it is the only bomb I have going for myself so far, because typing before coffee is not so great, and typing in fear my laptop is going to click off is pretty sad.  Why, oh why, did I not purchase a battery when the fellow at that store which I will NOT plug wrote down what I needed?  But there is no point in lamenting the past.  On with the present late post!

Is this a late Wuss-out Wednesday or an early Non-Sequitur Thursday?  It is only the latter if I fail to make a post later in the day.  No promises, as I often say.  Yesterday was not a horrible day, but I ended it with a backache and a headache and a disinclination to do anything at all.  Actually, I had a pleasant evening watching a couple of crime shows we had DVR’d with my husband Steven.  I also crocheted an afghan.  The shows were Dateline and 48 Hours, if anybody was wondering.  Tonight is 20/20 night on OWN, so I have plans for later.

In the meantime, what to talk about now?  As I took my shower earlier, I was feeling down yet thinking I ought not to make another blog post about it.  For one reason, my mother reads this blog, and I don’t want her to worry.  More importantly, it’s getting old.  I can say that now, because the joy of ten-finger typing has me up again!

And over 250 words.  Score!  And thank you, laptop, for cooperating!  Happy Wednesday/Thursday, everyone!

 

Another Blogger’s Sad Day

Watch the local news, I said, while I do my blog post.  Then we’ll watch something else together.  Oh am I sorry I ever did that.  I cannot do a silly Friday Lame Post now.  I don’t know if I can do a coherent blog post at all.  But you know me, I’m going to type in something and I’ll probably make a joke or two, however inappropriate they may feel.

The lead story on WKTV News was a house fire in Herkimer, NY (where I live) in which three children died.  What a terrible tragedy.  The next story was also about a fire.  No people died, but before I could feel any relief about that, I heard that the pets were lost.   That was when Steven changed the channel and put it on Snapped: Killer Couples.  It’s not my favorite, but it is less depressing.

Well, here is a topic for some half-baked philosophy, in which I often indulge on Lame Post Friday.  Why is murder less depressing than accidental death?  The murder victim is rarely asking for it, in any sense of the expression.  In fact, sometimes I feel very sad about the person who dies.  But it feels more remote.  It feels like I’m only hearing a story, especially on what I call the re-enactment-fests.  Still, it is a true story.

OK, Steven just got fed up with Killer Couples and especially with the Previews of Even More Disturbing Coming Attractions.  He put it on Judge Mathis.  I guess we’re both still pretty perturbed.  Full disclosure:  I’ve been feeling down all week, and I have no reason to feel down, so I am not looking for sympathy, go ahead and play that miniature violin for me.  But I am going to wrap up one of my most blah posts ever.  I’ll hope for a better day tomorrow.

 

I Need a Little Murder

I was going to say Halloween, but I think an episode or two of Snapped or even Dateline would fill the proverbial bill (you can get away with an overly used expression if you add the word “proverbial”).  Steven and I have been watching Christmas movies all day, and I just don’t feel like crying again.  I fully understand why people often become more depressed at Christmas time.  My intention was not to whine about my own melancholy.  Then again, it is Wrist to Forehead Sunday.  Like a Facebook meme says, I’ll get over it; I just need to be dramatic first.

Anyways, I do need a little murder, as my headline says.  The Herkimer County Historical Society has contacted me about putting together another interactive murder mystery for them.  Well, you know I will do almost anything for my friends at the historical society.  And I will write a murder mystery at almost any excuse.  Naturally, I find my mind at first completely blank.  What a good thing they asked me about this months before they want it!  Lots of time to dither and whither, then write the damn thing and get to rehearsing it.

In the meantime, I need a blog post for today.  I mean to stop that nonsense I have employed about missing a day and posting two the next.  I will write more!  I will write better!  Today, however, I think I’ll just post a couple of pictures and have done with.  Let’s see, murder or Christmas, or a judicious mixture of both?

Who doesn’t love the Muppets?

 

Oh swell, I have to wait till nine o’clock for my fix!

 

“Did she say murder? I’m outta here!”

 

A Walk for the Run

I went running this morning and intended to make a Running Commentary post, even though I recently did one.  I say no matter about that. I’m training for a 5K; this blog may become All Reindeer Run All The Time.  I felt pretty good after the run, and not too awful during it.  Yay me!  I think the fresh air/Times Square helped my headache (Steven and I rarely say “fresh air” without adding “Times Square”).  But I ran into a big wall of Do Nothingism.

The fact is that lately my depression has been completely kicking my butt.  Others who suffer from depression will understand:  there are many things we can do for ourselves that may help.  When in the throes of depression it is VERY DIFFICULT to do ANYTHING.  Oh, go ahead and judge me if you want.  I know a lot of people think depression is a made-up thing and we could get better if only we would.  Sometimes I feel that way myself and I can tell you it does not help.  Ooh, I’m seeing a definite parallel between depression and writer’s block, and not just because it is also difficult to write when depressed.  But that is a topic for another post.

Where was I?  Ah yes, sitting at my laptop, NOT making a Running Commentary post.  As I thought in a vague sort of way about my running and the Reindeer Run 5K, I remembered that I printed out but had not yet filled out and mailed my registration.  I find it helps me meet my weight loss goals to walk and run on the same day.  Additionally, exercise is a well-known and underused anti-depressant.  I found that form and filled it out!

And immediately found that I was entirely correct to wait until today to fill it out.  They wanted to know my age.  It’s my birthday!  Oh well, I’m not bumping up an age group, so I suppose it doesn’t make a BIG difference.  Still, it felt kind of cool to write my new age down.  It’s the little things.  Putting the form and check into an envelope, I had another decision to make.  To put stickers on the envelope or not?  I had to do something, because the glue on the envelope didn’t work any more.  Scotch tape would be more professional.  Then I thought how the nice people at Mohawk Valley Living magazine always put stickers on the envelopes they send me. So I thought, oh heck, it might brighten someone’s day.

It started raining almost as soon as I started out.  Oh well, it rained on my run, too.  As I always say, I ain’t sugar, I won’t melt.  I was dressed warm enough for the cold.  After I left the post office, I decided to continue walking for a full half hour.  I read somewhere that a half-hour walk is equivalent to 50 mg of Zoloft.  I have no idea if that is true or not, but at least it burns some calories.

As I walked, I felt that this is what November should be:  grey and cold.  It certainly suited my mood, which, ironically enough, made me feel better.  Maybe not so ironically.  Sometimes the worst part of depression is feeling that you ought to be feeling a different way.   You think of all the reasons you have to be happy, then you don’t feel happy, so you feel you are the biggest, most ungrateful putz there ever was.  So I did not list my reasons for happiness (yes, I have some).  Instead I looked around at the gloomy day and just kind of enjoyed it.

The rain stopped, started again, stopped again, then started again as snow.  Whatever.  My face got cold, but I tucked my hands into my sleeves, and everything else was covered.  I ended up walking over a half hour.  I was feeling better about things as I finished my walk.  After all, I did two things:  I registered for the run and I took a walk.  Ooh, and I made my blog post.  Let’s see if I can find something else to do.  Perhaps it will form the topic of tomorrow’s blog post.  As always, I hope you’ll stay tuned.