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Tag Archives: depression

A Reason to Swoon?

Have I the mental and physical wherewithal to make a Wrist to Forehead Sunday Post? The question is not rhetorical. I think I am getting arthritis in my knuckles. I was having a very painful time trying to write in the TV Journal earlier. Suddenly stylus picking is a more attractive option. What a depressing thought! No more hand writing? No more ten-finger typing? SAY IT AIN’T SO!!!

The beauty part is, now it seems I have a really good reason to swoon, posed dramatically with the back of one wrist against my forehead. I would love to insert a photo here but cannot find one.

Earlier today I went on a long run. It tired me out too much to feel like making a Running Commentary Post. I started to watch movies, hoping for a Sunday Cinema Post. However, I HATED the first movie I chose so much I got discouraged. I should have turned it off twenty minutes into it, as I was strongly tempted to do, but I was curious as to when it would get exciting and how it would end (very late in the picture and badly).

So here I sit without much to say. Best thing to do in these cases is to keep it sort. I hope to see you all again on Monday.

Not Really a Post

So I went to bed on Sunday without making a blog post and I don’t feel up to making one this morning. I’m just going to come out and say it: I am depressed and under stress, and blog posts may become sporadic for a while.

Hey, “depressed” and “stressed” rhyme. Maybe I could make this a poetry blog.

To start with I was quite depressed

And then I got a little stressed

It’s hard to write

When under blight

As life becomes more messed.

That was the best I could come up with prior to 5 a.m. But it will have to do.

Not Too Much Thunk

I went for a short run after work. I am having some personal problems which are not worth mentioning here except that I have made the determination to get more exercise, for the mood-improving effects. Exercise is a potent and often under-utilized anti-depressant (that was my little bit of health advice for the day).

It was a beautiful afternoon, warm and sunny. I did not even leave a sweatshirt on the front porch for my cool-down walk. I did not plan a long run. Fifteen minutes would be acceptable, I told myself. Sometimes I treat myself gently.

Right away, my body did not feel happy. Thunk, thunk, thunk, down the sidewalk I went. Fifteen minutes, just fifteen minutes, I kept repeating in my head,

I encountered a number of pedestrians. I would move out into the road before I reached them, because I was not wearing a mask and I was huffing and puffing. We usually greeted each other in a friendly fashion. I love those small human connections. I try to have a smile for everyone.

My body felt better about thing as I went. That usually happens at some point in the run. Sometimes I don’t notice the exact moment when it happens; I just suddenly realize I feel OK. I did not exactly reach the I Can Rock This Stage, but I did not spend the whole run wondering what the hell I was thinking.

I ran for 20 minutes and felt fairly pleased with myself. My cool-down walk felt good, and my chocolate milk recovery beverage when I got back home was delicious.

There is a 5K in Little Falls in June I am thinking I will register for. That will give me another goal to work for. It will probably get me a couple more blog posts as well. I’ll keep you posted.

It’s Not Right to Not Write

Yes, this is another late post. I just did not want to make the attempt last night. I am going through a bad writing period. Not to make too many complaints, but I have a few personal problems as well. There may be no solution to the personal problems; after all, no matter what I do, I will always be the same person.

However, the solution to writing problems, according to almost anyone you ask, is Write Just Write.

I have always maintained that it is not that simple. I still maintain that, but now I want to shout at myself: Of course it’s not that simple! Nothing is simple! It never will be! Just do it!

So here I am, babbling on. I made this concession to my laziness: I am lounged on the couch, pecking at the Tablet with the stylus instead of sitting upright at the laptop,industriouslly industriously (how do like this: I made the typo of putting two “l”s in “industrustiously” and now my autocorrect thinks that is how you spell it!).

And I have not much to say. However, I am approaching 200 words, and I need to get back to dealing with my day. I will attempt to Write Just Write a better blog post later,

Not Monstrous, Mental

I am enjoying a little ten-fingered typing to make my Wuss-out Wednesday post early on Thursday morning (not really too early; I’ve been awake almost two hours). I was too depressed to make a post last night. I hesitated for a long time (the almost two hours I’ve been up, plus a few wakeful hours in the night) before making yet another post about my depression, but at last the desire to be a daily blogger overcame my reluctance.

One big reason I hesitate to blog about my depression is that my mother reads my blog. I don’t like her to worry about me. In general (all these blog posts notwithstanding), I do not like to talk about my depression to all and sundry. Of course I do, more than I should, because I am quite the garrulous sort in addition to being pretty much All About Me. But I realize it is the wrong thing to do. For one reason, it is tiresome, and I prefer to be amusing. For another, it does not always help. Sometimes it is better to seek out professional help.

Which brings me to where I am at this morning. I feel it would be a good idea for me to reach out for help. Only I do not know where to go. I know there are 800 numbers I can call, but I prefer face to face counseling. I don’t like to talk on the phone much. However, in these COVID times, phone counseling may be all that is available. Another consideration is that my health benefits from my job are just now kicking in. I do not know what, if anything, they cover mental health-wise. I guess these are all problems that have an answer, if only I bestir myself to seek it.

And that brings me back to overcoming my reluctance to blog more about my depression. I thought to myself, perhaps I can share my journey back to mental health. Would that be too tiresome and All About Me? As I type this, I feel reluctance to hit Publish. Am I selling my psyche for a blog post? It could be. On the other hand, I am over 350 words. That is pretty good for a Wuss-out Wednesday, I think.

Yes, He Brought Me Coffee

Hello, and welcome to another late post, made around five in the morning, ten finger typing on the lap top. I have not even had coffee yet but expect my husband Steven to bring me a cup when he gets himself one right along here.

Last night I began to made a Tired Tuesday Post and just did not want to do it. For one reason, all I wanted to do was whine about how stressed and depressed I felt. For heavens’ sake, many, many people are stressed and depressed. I do not have any more reason to feel so than anybody else, considerably less than some. And from me, it is getting dull.

One thing I did to help myself last night was to go for a run. It was not a bad run. It was certainly not a long run. It felt as if I was running fast, for me. Unfortunately I had my Garmin on and was discouraged to find that fast for me is just under a 13-minute mile. Well, what am I so discouraged about? I am not racing against anybody.

On the brighter side, quite literally, a few people still have their Christmas lights on. Tradition has it we should leave our decorations up till January 6, you know, Twelve Days of Christmas. I have long wanted to throw a Twelfth Night Party. For one reason, it would postpone my Post-Christmas Letdown. For another reason, I like to give a party.

I see I have rambled on for more than 250 words. By my rules for me, that is more than respectable for a Late Tired Tuesday Post. I wonder if I should also categorize this as a Non-Sequitur Post. Or add a category of Just Babble On Till 200 Words Category. Any thoughts?

Write Something, Anything

I am afraid this will be a Slacker Saturday Post, although I had hopes of one of the Scattered variety. There was no chance of a Saturday Running Commentary as I woke to rain and icy roads.

After much hesitation (after all, my mother reads do this blog), I must confess that my depression has been kicking my ass lately. I am plagued by indecision, do-nothingism, and general despair.

I feel rotten about myself for giving in to such feelings. Do something, anything, I exhort myself. I am not wrong to do so, because very often doing something, anything can help. Unfortunately, doing something, anything can be very difficult.

Mostly I worry that I am being a whiny baby. Other people have way worse problems than me. I really do have much to be grateful for. I read somewhere that you cannot feel gratitude and depression at the same time. Quite frankly, I don’t know what idiot said that, but I am guessing it is someone who never suffered from depression.

So I am embarrassed for sharing my possibly unjustified tears and sadness. Yet I dare to do so in case somebody reading this feels the same way. It is such a comfort to feel that one is not alone.

As for myself, I will continue to do what I can: exercise, eat right, and strive to do something, anything. For example, make a blog post every day, as I like to do. Here is Saturday’s. Thank you for tuning in. I hope you will return for whatever kind of post Sunday’s turns out to be.

I’m Not a Monster

This will either be a Wuss-Out Wednesday or Mid-Week Monsters. I wonder if I could be suffering from a post-Christmas letdown. Really, I feel quite ashamed of myself for being in any kind of a bad mood, let alone sliding into depression and despair. My life is not all that bad, especially when I look at what others are going through. Additionally, there is the thought that we must do what we can to improve our own circumstances.

Reflecting on those last two sentences does not always help. Sometimes it snowballs the mood, because of the added guilt and feeling of What-the-hell-is-the-matter-with-me? I am not currently experiencing such a snowball, so there’s that.

Kafka knew from monsters.

I was searching my Media Library for a monster picture, just to take a break from whatever we might call the preceding paragraphs, when I came across a quote I like. I was just questioning whether I should continue this admittedly foolish post. Kafka obviously feels I should. So there.

Like this monster, Kafka?

Now there’s a monster who never did any writing. He is from The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, one of my favorite cheesy horror movies. I wonder if I can talk Steve into watching cheesy horror movies for New Year’s Eve. Or we could go with the classics. Classic horror movies, of course.

He is fine, yes.

I see I am over 200 words, so I feel I have met my minimum standard. I am also feeling some improvement mood-wise. As I observed on Sunday, monsters often help.

I’m Having Trouble With This One

So I wrote a whole blog post and WordPress would not let me publish it.  It would not even save it at first, telling me I could not use those terms.  Then I found it in Drafts with no Categories or Tags (which I had so included), so I am trying again. 

This is going to be a Tired Tuesday Post. I did not do much today except to move a little closer to becoming employed. I don’t like to say much about that. For one reason, this is not a work blog. For another… well, I had another reason and started to tell it, but it was too complicated. Or incoherent.

Aren’t they jolly?

I decided to throw in a picture to pep things up. These Santa Clauses did not make it downstairs this year. It has not been a good year for decorating for me.

How about this cutie?

I decided to throw in a little snow for good measure. This is a picture from this year. All that snow went away and has not been replaced yet, which is completely fine with me.

This is me.

This picture showed up in my Facebook Memories. It was two years ago, at the Reindeer Run 5K in Little Falls, NY. I hope the Run returns next year.

I seem a bit disjointed today. This is not unusual for me, especially lately, and I guess it is not really surprising. I am having a difficult time doing anything, and when I do something, I am plagued by the certainty that it is the wrong thing to do and I am doing it poorly in any case.

There, I was trying not to whine about my petty little malaise and I went ahead and did it anyways. I offer my apologies but will not delete the paragraph. For one reason, I see I am over 250 words. By my own rules for me, making a blog post is the right thing to do, so I have that going for me.

I hope to see you all tomorrow. I will strive not to have a Wuss-Out Wednesday, but no promises.

 

 

About Politics

I was too depressed to make a blog post last night. I thought of making a post about that but was halted by the thought, “My mother will read this!” I do not want her to worry. I know, she will read those too sentences. But I felt I should mention that this post is late and why.

One reason I am quite depressed is the same reason many people are depressed: politics. I try to stay off politics in this blog. For one reason, I try to be upbeat, a booster for the area, as my subheading says, a “totally fun blog.” Politics is rarely fun.

The main reason I dislike talking about politics, and this is perhaps a cowardly reason, is that people who disagree with me will express their opinions, often in a hurtful, disparaging way. Because of my depression, I am likely to interpret arguments as disparaging and hurtful even if they are not meant that way, but these days many people feel free to insult and belittle those that disagree with them.

I am no hand at argument. I cannot think of the right thing to say till well after I have responded, even when I have had time to think about it in the first place. Usually I never come up with the right words. The other side always wins, and my side of the argument is poorly represented. So by expressing my opinion, I am not changing hearts and minds but merely giving the other side a forum for express their opinion.

This raises a couple of thoughts in my mind. First: Isn’t that the point of the First Amendment? Robust argument? Everybody gets a chance to talk? By expressing all ideas we will eventually arrive at the best ideas? This is, of course, the ideal. And I think many in this country have lost sight of that ideal. Many people do not listen to arguments with thought, looking for the truth or what part they might agree with. They are just waiting their turn to talk (if they do not interrupt).

Second, and this is another depressing one: Maybe I always lose the argument because my opinions are wrong. SAY IT AIN’T SO!!! In the first place, I do not believe my opinions are wrong, because they are well thought out, based on by own observation and experience and education. Additionally, my opinions are shared by many people who I respect. There may be places where I could modify my opinions or seek compromise on what I think is he best think to do. I must bear this in mind when I read others’ opinions. That is a timely reminder for me.

I am feeling less depressed as I type this (with ten fingers on the laptop this time, by the way). Just Writing often helps, of course. Additionally, I feel happy to have expressed myself. And if anybody wants to argue my points in the comments, feel free. I know none of my regular readers would express themselves in a hurtful, disparaging way, even if that is the point of the First Amendment.