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Tag Archives: depression

I Need a Little Murder

I was going to say Halloween, but I think an episode or two of Snapped or even Dateline would fill the proverbial bill (you can get away with an overly used expression if you add the word “proverbial”).  Steven and I have been watching Christmas movies all day, and I just don’t feel like crying again.  I fully understand why people often become more depressed at Christmas time.  My intention was not to whine about my own melancholy.  Then again, it is Wrist to Forehead Sunday.  Like a Facebook meme says, I’ll get over it; I just need to be dramatic first.

Anyways, I do need a little murder, as my headline says.  The Herkimer County Historical Society has contacted me about putting together another interactive murder mystery for them.  Well, you know I will do almost anything for my friends at the historical society.  And I will write a murder mystery at almost any excuse.  Naturally, I find my mind at first completely blank.  What a good thing they asked me about this months before they want it!  Lots of time to dither and whither, then write the damn thing and get to rehearsing it.

In the meantime, I need a blog post for today.  I mean to stop that nonsense I have employed about missing a day and posting two the next.  I will write more!  I will write better!  Today, however, I think I’ll just post a couple of pictures and have done with.  Let’s see, murder or Christmas, or a judicious mixture of both?

Who doesn’t love the Muppets?

 

Oh swell, I have to wait till nine o’clock for my fix!

 

“Did she say murder? I’m outta here!”

 

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A Walk for the Run

I went running this morning and intended to make a Running Commentary post, even though I recently did one.  I say no matter about that. I’m training for a 5K; this blog may become All Reindeer Run All The Time.  I felt pretty good after the run, and not too awful during it.  Yay me!  I think the fresh air/Times Square helped my headache (Steven and I rarely say “fresh air” without adding “Times Square”).  But I ran into a big wall of Do Nothingism.

The fact is that lately my depression has been completely kicking my butt.  Others who suffer from depression will understand:  there are many things we can do for ourselves that may help.  When in the throes of depression it is VERY DIFFICULT to do ANYTHING.  Oh, go ahead and judge me if you want.  I know a lot of people think depression is a made-up thing and we could get better if only we would.  Sometimes I feel that way myself and I can tell you it does not help.  Ooh, I’m seeing a definite parallel between depression and writer’s block, and not just because it is also difficult to write when depressed.  But that is a topic for another post.

Where was I?  Ah yes, sitting at my laptop, NOT making a Running Commentary post.  As I thought in a vague sort of way about my running and the Reindeer Run 5K, I remembered that I printed out but had not yet filled out and mailed my registration.  I find it helps me meet my weight loss goals to walk and run on the same day.  Additionally, exercise is a well-known and underused anti-depressant.  I found that form and filled it out!

And immediately found that I was entirely correct to wait until today to fill it out.  They wanted to know my age.  It’s my birthday!  Oh well, I’m not bumping up an age group, so I suppose it doesn’t make a BIG difference.  Still, it felt kind of cool to write my new age down.  It’s the little things.  Putting the form and check into an envelope, I had another decision to make.  To put stickers on the envelope or not?  I had to do something, because the glue on the envelope didn’t work any more.  Scotch tape would be more professional.  Then I thought how the nice people at Mohawk Valley Living magazine always put stickers on the envelopes they send me. So I thought, oh heck, it might brighten someone’s day.

It started raining almost as soon as I started out.  Oh well, it rained on my run, too.  As I always say, I ain’t sugar, I won’t melt.  I was dressed warm enough for the cold.  After I left the post office, I decided to continue walking for a full half hour.  I read somewhere that a half-hour walk is equivalent to 50 mg of Zoloft.  I have no idea if that is true or not, but at least it burns some calories.

As I walked, I felt that this is what November should be:  grey and cold.  It certainly suited my mood, which, ironically enough, made me feel better.  Maybe not so ironically.  Sometimes the worst part of depression is feeling that you ought to be feeling a different way.   You think of all the reasons you have to be happy, then you don’t feel happy, so you feel you are the biggest, most ungrateful putz there ever was.  So I did not list my reasons for happiness (yes, I have some).  Instead I looked around at the gloomy day and just kind of enjoyed it.

The rain stopped, started again, stopped again, then started again as snow.  Whatever.  My face got cold, but I tucked my hands into my sleeves, and everything else was covered.  I ended up walking over a half hour.  I was feeling better about things as I finished my walk.  After all, I did two things:  I registered for the run and I took a walk.  Ooh, and I made my blog post.  Let’s see if I can find something else to do.  Perhaps it will form the topic of tomorrow’s blog post.  As always, I hope you’ll stay tuned.

 

Brain Off on Tired Tuesday

My brain has been functioning on and off all day, mostly off.  I hurried home from work and managed to accomplish the tasks I had set for myself EXCEPT make my blog post before my rehearsal for Strike Story, the reader’s theatre production in Little Falls later this month (is that a run-on sentence?  My brain is back in off mode, naturally).  I just about had time to make a not very good post, but my brain clicked off big time.  It barely clicked back on for rehearsal, but I managed to stumble through that.

Of course, the operative thing to do would have been to write my blog post earlier, while on breaks at work.  I was totally going to!  I even had something to write about.  When I started to compose it in my head while working (I have the sort of job where you can do that), I found I didn’t really know enough about what I wanted to write about, so I would have to wait till I got home and got on the computer.  I just could not manage to write about anything else.  Some will say this is mere laziness or perhaps that I am not really a writer after all.  Dammit, I know I’m not a real writer!  I’m lazy, too, I admit it.  The fact is, I am down, and I always have a hard time doing anything when I am feeling blue.

In fact, I’m having a hard time typing this now.  However, one thing I have learned is, one must persevere.  One thing I must learn is how to write when I feel blue.  Another good thing might be to learn how to make a blog post with my brain in off mode.  Wait a minute, I think that is what I just did.  How appropriate for a Tired Tuesday.

 

No Boot Straps on Wuss-out Wednesday

I am having the damnedest time writing and have for the longest time.  I think to myself, “I love to write!”  But all I want to do is puzzles, primarily cryptograms with a few others thrown in.  I thought to myself today, this is a symptom of depression:  you like to do something, you know it will help you to do it, and you don’t do it. What the hell, me?

The thought came into my mind, “People who have not experienced it cannot understand the mind-numbing, paralyzing, utter inability…”  I don’t remember how the thought ended, but I immediately felt I could not put such a thought into a blog post.  Nobody would buy it, I thought.  They will tell me to stop being such a whiny baby, and maybe they are right.

I am going through a few things, but let’s face it: We all have problems and many people have far worse ones than mine.  As I have mentioned before, I suffer from depression.  I don’t like to write it or say it, because it sounds like I am asking for sympathy or making an excuse.  And it feels as if I have exposed something private and secret I would really, really rather not talk about.  Some people do not “believe in” depression.  They feel it is a made-up problem and I need to just stop whining and pull myself up by those boot straps they’re always talking about.

Only I rarely wear boots and the ones I have don’t have straps.

Then again, not whining is not a bad start.  I cannot pull myself up by my bootstraps (and what a hoary cliche that is, anyways), but there are things I can do to make myself feel better.  I will try to do some of them.  For example, starting on a better blog post for tomorrow.  We’ll call this one a Wuss-out Wednesday and drive on.

 

A Slice of My Life

Sometimes I am too ill to write a blog post. Does it count if I am too depressed? I feel so self-indulgent even considering such a thing. Ooh, maybe this is a good lead.

That is what I just now posted on Facebook.  Almost before I had copied and pasted it here, a friend had commented that depression IS an illness.  I suppose I feel it counts for everybody but me.  You know, that thing many of us do that we treat our loved ones way better than we treat ourselves.  I know, a lot of people do the opposite, especially with physical indulgences.  However, I know a great many people who will put themselves down using terms they would NEVER employ when talking to a friend.  Just saying.

Where was I?  Ah yes, trying to make a Non-Sequitur Thursday post before I hurriedly get ready for rehearsal for Steel Magnolias at Ilion Little Theatre.  This is what I posted on Facebook earlier:

Here’s the problem: I have so much to do, I not only keep thinking I’m forgetting something, I keep forgetting what it was I was just about to do. Making a list does not help. I not only forget to put stuff on the list, I forget where I put the list!

To make this a true Non-Sequitur Thursday post, I should make a catchy headline that has little or nothing to do with the post.  What is this post about, anyways?  Not much, as is par for the course when I am involved in a show.  Right now I am involved in two shows and need to finish writing two more to begin working on them within the next two weeks.  Yikes!  Why do I do these things to myself?  Ah yes, refer to an earlier paragraph about treating others better than I treat myself.  And I’m not all that freaking nice to others, either!  Happy Thursday, everyone.

 

Lame Us Give Thanks

So here it is the day before Thanksgiving (although this post may be dated for Thanksgiving, because I never fixed the timestamp on this thing) (I don’t know how; technology mystifies me).  Personally, I would be thankful if I had remembered to bring my notebook to work with me an written a post in it earlier.  But I suppose there is no point in pining for what didn’t happen.

As I continue to fight feeling down and blue, I remember reading somewhere that gratitude can counteract depression.  Let’s see if it works.

I am thankful for my husband and my family and my job and my dog and cable television, when there is something on I want to see (does anybody remember the Bruce Springsteen song “57 Channels and Nothing On”?  If he only knew!) . Oh, that parenthetical comment was not very thankful, was it?  But I guess I am thankful I can remember things from the ’80s (that song was in the ’80s, wasn’t it?).  May women my age begin to have memory problems.  I think I read that somewhere.

Another thing I am thankful for is that I have the rest of the week off.  A four-day weekend!  Woohoo!  And that makes today Friday for me!  So it’s Lame Post Friday!  I think this one certainly qualifies. I hope all of you have a lovely Wednesday or Friday if it’s one for you, too.  I hope to see you all again on Thanksgiving (when it will possibly be Non-Sequitur Thursday).

 

Wrist to Run

I was undecided whether to do a Wrist to Forehead Sunday post or another Running Commentary, so I thought I’d just start typing and see what comes out.

I kind of impressed myself by running two days in a row, because I really did not intend to.  I had a number of chores to attend to and no desire to attend to any of them.  Just to bring up my mental woes as a slight change from my physical ones, I am fighting another bout of depression.  My biggest symptom this time seems to be a huge case of Don’t Wanna Do Nothin’ (the double negative does not make a positive in this case).  Actually, I’ve been wondering lately if my physical problems don’t stem from that.  My body is obliging me with a nice bout of psychosomatics, giving me a marvelous excuse to, in fact, do nothing.

Be that as it may, I knew I must get some things done.  I went to the grocery store.  I did the dishes.  I began to make my prompt book for Leading Ladies (we begin blocking rehearsals on Tuesday).  I looked at the clock and realized I had time enough for a two hour nap before my husband would return home from work.  Yes!  Nap!  Just what I needed.  I forgot to mention that we have a murder mystery rehearsal at three.  I had forgotten it myself until Steven reminded me.

Naturally I could not sleep.  I’ve been having dreadful insomnia lately.  It is not the least bit unusual for me to have insomnia, so I did not let it bother me unduly.  As I gave up on the nap I remembered that I was also supposed to do laundry today. I gathered a load and threw it in the washer.  Ah, the joy of having a washer and drier on the premises.  While it washed I indulged in a check of Facebook and in reading several other blogs.

When Facebook got old and I got tired of reading blogs, I began to think about running.  It was just after noon.  I had plenty of time for the length of run I am currently up to.  I decided to do it.

Then remembered the laundry.  It was done by now, so I went down and put stuff in the drier, carefully pulling out stuff to hang on the bars upstairs.  As I brought them upstairs, I decided I really wasn’t feeling all that well.  I would not go running.  I hung up the non-drier items.  What would I do instead?  Contemplating the other chores awaiting me, running started to sound a lot more pleasant.

So  I went. It would be nice to report that I got a good dose of endorphins and felt terrific afterwards.  That does happen sometimes.  It did not happen this time.  However, no run is without its rewards.  If nothing else, one can feel satisfied that one ran at all.  I worked on my ability to persevere and keep going despite it being not all that much fun.  Of course, it’s never all Plod and Persevere.  I had several moments of feeling Not Bad At All.  And I hope I don’t have a reason to feel bad about this blog post.  Happy Sunday, everyone.