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Tag Archives: depression

Who, Me? Whine About Not Posting?

Once again I have let days elapse without making a blog post. The question now is can I make a Tired Tuesday Post without whining too much? I guess another question is how much whining is too much? If the answer is “any whining at all is too much,” I am in big trouble.

At the risk of whining too much (and sharing too much), I will share that I have been having a hard time doing much of anything these days. I make it to work. I manage to get one or two things done: a run, a load of laundry, a few fun things. But major and minor projects remain unfinished and un-worked-on. What the hell, me?

As I type this post (one letter at a time with the stylus on my Tablet), I am trying to have a conversation with “Ask the Expert” on WordPress. I am still hesitating on my upgrade and hope to get questions answered. So far I am not having much luck.

I am anxious to upgrade, because I keep wanting to share more pictures. However, I want to make sure the upgrade is right for me before I spend the money. Additionally, and perhaps more to the point, I worry that with my current lack of blogging reliability, it will not be worth the money to upgrade. Will the upgrade perhaps inspire me to return to my daily blogging ways? Can I take that chance?

I suppose I will take the leap soon and we will all see what the result will be. In the meantime, I am over 250 words. Let us not calculate how many of those were whining.

Was It Something About Mice and Men?

My best-laid plans to return to daily posts are not coming to fruition. What is that quote about “best-laid plans” anyways? I cannot bring it to mind, if I ever even heard the full quote. But never mind that (although I could do a whole post about famous quotes and how they get mangled). I am just trying to make some post, any post.

I really have no excuse for not posting, other than my usual struggles with depression. I cringe a little when I type that (one letter at a time with the stylus on my Tablet, just to give you the picture). I am embarrassed to admit I let my depression keep me from doing things. I am embarrassed to admit my depression. What is depression, really, but me whining about how I don’t feel happy. What is my problem, anyways?

But, depression and other mood disorders are real problems for some people. Would I shame someone else for admitting they suffer from depression? I hope not. I hope I would encourage them to seek help. So while a part of me wants very much to delete the last paragraph, another part says, “No, let it stand. Admit you have a problem.”

Don’t all the self-help gurus say you should do the thing you fear? Well, I fear what my friends and family will think if they happen to read this post. Goodness, I just asked a co-worker yesterday if he still read my blog (he said, “Why? Did you say something about me?” I guess I just did). What if he reads this? Oh dear.

In any case, I see I am over 250 words. I think I will bill this as a Non-Sequitur Thursday Post. If only I had a good headline…

And Another Thing About Me…

So it seems I didn’t do so good at getting back into blogging. Full disclosure: I’m not doing so good at other stuff either. Well, you know what they say: go big or go home. Why just screw up the blog when I can let EVERYTHING slide?

OK, that is an exaggeration (if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: don’t exaggerate!). I have been going to work, managing eight hour days last Tuesday through Friday and today (Monday). But I haven’t done a whole lot else, and I am exhausted. Additionally, I seem to be having some mental repercussions from the illness. I feel very down and am apt to start crying at almost any excuse.

Now I feel that I have over-shared. This is a personal blog, but I did not intend for it to be me, Me, ME! I think this! I feel that! And another thing about me…

I guess I wanted to make another post just for the sake of making a post. If I make a crappy post today, maybe I could make a mediocre post tomorrow. Eventually I could work my way up to half-way decent posts. Or even good posts! No promises, though.

But Dracula Said, “I Never Drink Wine”

This is a — wait for it– monstrous situation. I made a post about being depressed and then did not post again for an entire week! What the hell, me? And when will autocorrect internalize the fact that I do so want to say “hell” not “he’ll”? These are points to ponder. In the meantime, I will attempt to ease back into blogging with a Monstrous Monday Post.

He looks a little stunned.

The beauty part about not posting for a while is that I have not used any photos from my Media Library recently. No, I have not yet completed the upgrade which will allow me to post new images. One step at a time; I’m still trying to get myself to post at all these days!

Anyways, here is my favorite guy, Nosferatu. Oh it HAS been a long time; instead of offering “Nosferatu” on predictive text, autocorrect changed it to “Nowhere to.” SAY IT AIN’T SO!!!

Quite a different style of vampire.

This delightful blood-sucker has resided on our wall since my husband gave him to me one Christmas some years ago. You may notice the stocking hanging from his neck. He also carries a green bell, but that is less noticeable.

Full disclosure: I already had the wine.

I would have liked to close with another vampire, but I find my Media Library increasingly difficult to navigate. Operator error, the story of my life. On the brighter side, I am approaching 250 words. I say not bad for a Monday after a week off.

And How Do You Feel?

And now, a few words about depression. I guess I should rather say a few more words, since I have written about depression before. I’m not even sure I will say anything new, but I ask you to bear with me.

Christmas is one of my favorite times of year. I love the music, the decorations, giving presents, watching yet another version of “A Christmas Carol,” everything. And it makes me feel even worse when I am emphatically not inclined to enjoy any of it. What the hell, me?

It is not a constant feeling of sadness, so I have that going for me. But it does intrude at odd and increasingly frequent times. In addition to being uncomfortable, it makes it difficult to get Christmas stuff, as well as general life stuff, done.

The worst aspect of it is feeling that I am nothing but a whiny baby. Why can I not simply feel happy during what some have called the most wonderful time of the year? What is wrong with me?

I have read that gratitude is the cure for depression. It is impossible to feel depressed, one popular women’s magazine opined, when you are feeling grateful. All I can say is, if it is that easy for you, you indeed have something to be grateful for.

As for me, I DO count my blessings. Often it increases my depression, because I start feeling like an ungrateful wretch for feeling depressed in the face of such blessings. And now I also feel like a dull, redundant blogger, because I am sure I have expressed these thoughts before.

Finally I fall back on a thought which had helped me before: sometimes you just have to feel that way until you don’t feel that way any more.

In the meantime, I wanted to make a blog post, because I have not made one in a few days. I’m going to file this one under Wrist to Forehead Sunday and hold out for the next wave of Christmas spirit. As always, I hope You’ll stay tuned.

A Reason to Swoon?

Have I the mental and physical wherewithal to make a Wrist to Forehead Sunday Post? The question is not rhetorical. I think I am getting arthritis in my knuckles. I was having a very painful time trying to write in the TV Journal earlier. Suddenly stylus picking is a more attractive option. What a depressing thought! No more hand writing? No more ten-finger typing? SAY IT AIN’T SO!!!

The beauty part is, now it seems I have a really good reason to swoon, posed dramatically with the back of one wrist against my forehead. I would love to insert a photo here but cannot find one.

Earlier today I went on a long run. It tired me out too much to feel like making a Running Commentary Post. I started to watch movies, hoping for a Sunday Cinema Post. However, I HATED the first movie I chose so much I got discouraged. I should have turned it off twenty minutes into it, as I was strongly tempted to do, but I was curious as to when it would get exciting and how it would end (very late in the picture and badly).

So here I sit without much to say. Best thing to do in these cases is to keep it sort. I hope to see you all again on Monday.

Not Really a Post

So I went to bed on Sunday without making a blog post and I don’t feel up to making one this morning. I’m just going to come out and say it: I am depressed and under stress, and blog posts may become sporadic for a while.

Hey, “depressed” and “stressed” rhyme. Maybe I could make this a poetry blog.

To start with I was quite depressed

And then I got a little stressed

It’s hard to write

When under blight

As life becomes more messed.

That was the best I could come up with prior to 5 a.m. But it will have to do.

Not Too Much Thunk

I went for a short run after work. I am having some personal problems which are not worth mentioning here except that I have made the determination to get more exercise, for the mood-improving effects. Exercise is a potent and often under-utilized anti-depressant (that was my little bit of health advice for the day).

It was a beautiful afternoon, warm and sunny. I did not even leave a sweatshirt on the front porch for my cool-down walk. I did not plan a long run. Fifteen minutes would be acceptable, I told myself. Sometimes I treat myself gently.

Right away, my body did not feel happy. Thunk, thunk, thunk, down the sidewalk I went. Fifteen minutes, just fifteen minutes, I kept repeating in my head,

I encountered a number of pedestrians. I would move out into the road before I reached them, because I was not wearing a mask and I was huffing and puffing. We usually greeted each other in a friendly fashion. I love those small human connections. I try to have a smile for everyone.

My body felt better about thing as I went. That usually happens at some point in the run. Sometimes I don’t notice the exact moment when it happens; I just suddenly realize I feel OK. I did not exactly reach the I Can Rock This Stage, but I did not spend the whole run wondering what the hell I was thinking.

I ran for 20 minutes and felt fairly pleased with myself. My cool-down walk felt good, and my chocolate milk recovery beverage when I got back home was delicious.

There is a 5K in Little Falls in June I am thinking I will register for. That will give me another goal to work for. It will probably get me a couple more blog posts as well. I’ll keep you posted.

It’s Not Right to Not Write

Yes, this is another late post. I just did not want to make the attempt last night. I am going through a bad writing period. Not to make too many complaints, but I have a few personal problems as well. There may be no solution to the personal problems; after all, no matter what I do, I will always be the same person.

However, the solution to writing problems, according to almost anyone you ask, is Write Just Write.

I have always maintained that it is not that simple. I still maintain that, but now I want to shout at myself: Of course it’s not that simple! Nothing is simple! It never will be! Just do it!

So here I am, babbling on. I made this concession to my laziness: I am lounged on the couch, pecking at the Tablet with the stylus instead of sitting upright at the laptop,industriouslly industriously (how do like this: I made the typo of putting two “l”s in “industrustiously” and now my autocorrect thinks that is how you spell it!).

And I have not much to say. However, I am approaching 200 words, and I need to get back to dealing with my day. I will attempt to Write Just Write a better blog post later,

Not Monstrous, Mental

I am enjoying a little ten-fingered typing to make my Wuss-out Wednesday post early on Thursday morning (not really too early; I’ve been awake almost two hours). I was too depressed to make a post last night. I hesitated for a long time (the almost two hours I’ve been up, plus a few wakeful hours in the night) before making yet another post about my depression, but at last the desire to be a daily blogger overcame my reluctance.

One big reason I hesitate to blog about my depression is that my mother reads my blog. I don’t like her to worry about me. In general (all these blog posts notwithstanding), I do not like to talk about my depression to all and sundry. Of course I do, more than I should, because I am quite the garrulous sort in addition to being pretty much All About Me. But I realize it is the wrong thing to do. For one reason, it is tiresome, and I prefer to be amusing. For another, it does not always help. Sometimes it is better to seek out professional help.

Which brings me to where I am at this morning. I feel it would be a good idea for me to reach out for help. Only I do not know where to go. I know there are 800 numbers I can call, but I prefer face to face counseling. I don’t like to talk on the phone much. However, in these COVID times, phone counseling may be all that is available. Another consideration is that my health benefits from my job are just now kicking in. I do not know what, if anything, they cover mental health-wise. I guess these are all problems that have an answer, if only I bestir myself to seek it.

And that brings me back to overcoming my reluctance to blog more about my depression. I thought to myself, perhaps I can share my journey back to mental health. Would that be too tiresome and All About Me? As I type this, I feel reluctance to hit Publish. Am I selling my psyche for a blog post? It could be. On the other hand, I am over 350 words. That is pretty good for a Wuss-out Wednesday, I think.